I've thrown myself completely into my work, from revising Frendyl Krune and the Nightmare in the North to working as hard as I can on The Soulless King: Part One. My day-job, too, has consumed me, whether for better or worse. Some days, my skin aches. It's a weird feeling.
I'm still compiling my feelings, my thoughts, and trying to work through the complex surge I've been experiencing over the past week. Sometimes, I'm okay. I can function pretty well and go about my day without any problems. Others, I just stop and start crying because of something stupid. I mean, god, someone texted me about something silly, like a video game, and I just fell apart. Or when my friend who works at a clinic told me about some patients, I cried, but I was also a little glad, because it gave me a little more insight into how things may have been during those impossible years. A battle fought, a struggle so impossible, I'll never be able to understand it.
Still, from what I've learned, from what I've heard, I'm so, so proud of him for what he tried to do. So incredibly floored by how Shannon did his best to come back from the brink. It's an impossible fight, and for a while, it sounds like he was winning. That's truly just downright amazing.
I'm still trying to figure this out. I want to keep focused and keep strong, but it's hard, because I keep thinking about what may have led him down this path. It's frustrating, too, because I really didn't know him the last few years. All of my memories of him are from when we were kids. To me, he was this dorky, funny kid who lit up my life when things got kind of dark. He was just... fun. Like, we were both stupid and we both did stupid things (dares galore at daycare; man, triple-dog-dares ran that daycare). But I get flashes of what he may have been like as he grew older, and it just gets harder. It gets harder, because I think we'd still have had a ton in common.
Death is frustrating and enraging and breaks my soul again and again, because I just think of how close I was to finally reconnecting with him after so many years of searching. Years of thinking I was crazy, because I had no evidence Shannon or his sister even existed. I honestly thought for a while that I made them up as imaginary friends. It wouldn't have been the first time.
Knowing he was real king of makes it harder. There are things I want to show him. Stupid things I hope he would have liked. Game Grumps, for example, or my husband. I honestly think that Shannon would have really liked Micahl. Oh, and my brothers? Forget about it! Man, those three would've been perfect friends, haha. The chaos they could have reaped... I just laugh thinking about it. And then...
Just... ugh. A sourness has crept into my soul. Not bitterness. I'm not bitter, but I feel... sour, like everything just isn't as sweet right now. I think that'll pass in time. Death takes time. Mourning takes time. I keep trying to force myself to focus on other things. On happy things. But the other day, I was talking with a friend about some of the things going on in her life, and they're pretty heavy. She explained how she was trying to force herself to be happy, because happiness comes from the inside (and she's right, of course; my depression and anxiety are much better on days that I make myself be happy and focus on only the good things in my life). I could tell, though, that she was really struggling with her happiness, so I told her that it's all right--healthy, in fact--to be upset, to mourn the bad things going on around her. I explained that her feelings are valid, and that she's allowed to be upset and angry and cry. It's how you start healing, after all.
I think I need to take my own advice. Let myself mourn instead of forcing myself to just shut everything down. Time will heal this. I've reconnected with two amazing people, and that's a positive note. One I can be more than satisfied with. I've learned a lot about myself and a little about my past. But for the next few days (see: my weekend), I'll be letting myself mourn a little more deeply so my heart and soul can begin to heal.
There are other things going on in my life. I've had to relinquish my D&D session time. Mostly because of work and time constraints, but there are other more personal reasons for needing to walk away. I'll miss playing, but I know in my heart I'm doing the right thing for me right now. Sometimes it's all you can do.
For now, I'll be writing, mourning, and spending time with my memories. Because right now, that's really all I can focus on. Thank you, all, for the love and support over the past week. Truly, your support means the world to me. Just remember to tell the people you love and care for how much they mean to you.
No comments:
Post a Comment